learning about consent

One of the purposes of the choice of “Be Heard” as the theme of the Binghamton Women’s March was to listen to perspectives that have often been silenced. One of the most powerful speeches was about sexual assault.

With the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements in the news, I have also been having some discussions about consent and assault/harassment with my daughters, who are in their late twenties and early thirties.

The Women’s March speaker who was a survivor of sexual assault said something that really articulated the issue of consent for me, something along the lines of she is not sure if she said no, but she was very sure she did not say yes. She did not give consent.

Her words crystallized something for me so that I understood better what my daughters and other younger women have been saying. As a woman in her later fifties, I wasn’t really brought up with discussion about consent. We were trained to be vigilant about making sure no one drugged our drinks at a party and about staying away from dark or isolated places, but not about what to do if a date or acquaintance pressured or overpowered or coerced us into unwanted sexual behavior.

I understood over time that it was never about what women wore or if they had been drinking or if they knew their attacker. Women who are assaulted are not at fault for their assault. No means no.

What I hadn’t understood until now was the extent to which no means no is not enough. Women may freeze or shut down in fear when faced with sexual aggression and may not be able to say no. They may not be able to leave the situation without the threat of violence against them. Asking “why didn’t she just leave?” is akin to asking “why was she wearing that?”

The questions are placing blame on the victim rather than on the perpetrator.

All forms of abuse and harassment are abuses of power. Sexual abuse and harassment are no different.

Consent needs to mutual, ongoing, and enthusiastic from all participants. Anything less makes what should be a caring and loving encounter into an abuse of power.
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Is it over yet?

I am finding it increasingly difficult not to be discouraged about the upcoming US elections.

The attack ads have gotten ridiculous. I happen to know one of the candidates in our Congressional district and would laugh at the distortions being used against her in ads, were it not so serious. To her credit, her own ads tend to be positive ones, but there is a lot of outside money getting thrown into this race, which tends to make it nasty. Our current representative, who is a Republican, is retiring, so the parties are being very aggressive in trying to get the seat, and there is an independent in the race, too.

This pales in comparison to the presidential ads. Because we live right next to swing state Pennsylvania, our television programs are filled with ads, most of them from political action committees or super-PACs who have no qualms whatsoever about slinging mud at the opposition, even if they have no evidence to back up their claims.

Unfortunately, the behavior of some of the guests on news programs isn’t much better. It has been particularly hurtful to me to see the Trump campaign be so demeaning and dismissive toward women. Even as a 59-year-old, Donald Trump appears not to have understood what “consent” means, which is totally unacceptable. What is even worse is that candidate Trump, who has bragged for years about his extramarital affairs and his sense of entitlement toward women sexually, refuses to admit that he has ever done anything wrong in regards to his treatment of women.

He says that no one respects women more than he does and he often adds, “Believe me.”

I don’t believe you, Donald.

There are years of evidence to back me up.

And I know plenty of people who exhibit true respect toward women – and all people – and have behaved in accord with that respect for decades.

I have been dutifully watching the debates, but I am not sure I can make myself watch another one. The lies are sickening.

Just a few more weeks…