finding hope in impossible times

I had hoped that my next post would be about ABC’s baptism and the family visits around that, but I haven’t been able to get organized to write it.

There has been a lot going on and a lot swirling in my head, so maybe this post will help…

My parents raised me to always do my best. I was fortunate that my best generally also stood me in good stead in school and in life experiences, as I juggled my various roles and tried to do good in the world.

When my children were young, there was a book about being a “good enough” parent. I remember bristling at the concept, because I was geared to be a “best I could be” parent – and daughter, spouse, sister, friend, citizen, Catholic, volunteer, committee member, musician, person.

The current roster of roles now includes grandparent, blogger, and poet.

And it doesn’t feel as though my best, even when I am able to muster it, is good enough.

Not even close.

With my mom in hospice care and granddaughter ABC in residence, there has been massive re-prioritizing, which is necessary and good and understandable. Some things in which I was accustomed to being very active, such as public policy and social justice advocacy, have been sharply curtailed, unfortunately at a time when my country is coming apart at the seams. I am keeping some of my poetry and blogging activities going, but in a scattershot way as I have time/brainpower available.

(It is not especially helpful to have Facebook reminding me how many days it has been since I posted to the Top of JC’s Mind Facebook page.)

I think, though, that the root of the problem is that nothing I do, whether it is my best or not, can change the fact of the mounting losses. Illness and decline and death and people moving away and rejection and running out of time and all manner of losses, anticipated or unforeseen, will keep happening, no matter what I or any of us do, think, or philosophize over.

And, yes, I know circle of life and faith and recommendations to take care of myself notwithstanding, some days are just difficult to get through without tears.

Sometimes, those days with tears string together.

I am blessed, though, with people who bring me as much support and comfort as they can when I am struggling. B to talk with and give me hugs. The warmth of ABC snuggling in my arms. E and L to step in and make dinner when I can’t wrap my head around the concept of eating, much less shopping and cooking. My sisters with calls, notes, and visits. Friends who are sending thoughts and prayers and who understand my sporadic contact.

Earlier this week, I was looking for a bell for Nana to use to call her nighttime aide. Unsure where to look, I went to a dollar store near the pharmacy where I was picking up one of Nana’s prescriptions. I don’t often go to dollar stores, so it was a bit difficult to figure out where to look. I had started to check out some possible aisles when I heard the unmistakable sound of a bell. I followed it to find a girl carrying a little bell toward the checkout where her grandmother was waiting for her.  I waited until they had finished their transactions and asked where they had found it. (The grandmother told me that the bell said “Ring for Beer” on it and that they were getting it for a beer-loving dad.) The girl cheerfully led me through the store to the shelf in the gifts aisle that held the bells. I thanked her. I chose a bell that said “Ring for Service” on it, paid $1.08, and brought it up to my mom’s, who was surprised that I had been able to find a bell so quickly.

(Feel free to insert your favorite It’s a Wonderful Life, serendipity, answer to prayer, etc. thoughts here.)

For me in that moment, it was a reminder that hope and help can appear unexpectedly in the midst of sadness and confusion and uncertainty.

I just have to listen and allow myself to be led.

 

 

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Our Real Journey

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It may be when we no longer know what we have to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.  –  Wendell Berry

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“It is a serious thing, just to be alive on this fresh morning, in this broken world.” ~ Mary Oliver

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Blogger evolution response

One of the first bloggers to follow me was Jason Cushman who blogs as Opinionated Man (OM) at HarsH ReaLiTy. He has put in tons of work to powerblog his way to over 50,000 followers and 1,000,000 views in less than two years. He is also very helpful to the blogging community and I’ve been honored to have been re-blogged by him on a few occasions. I’ve also found a number of blogs that I follow through visiting people who comment on his posts, which in turn led me to other blogs to follow. I follow OM by daily email, so I am generally at least a day late getting to his posts  This one:  http://aopinionatedman.com/2014/12/26/a-blogger-evolution/ on his evolution as a blogger made me think about my own history as a blogger. I wrote the comment below and decided I wanted to share his link and my comment here at Top of JC”s Mind.

“Thanks for the thoughtful post. I have been blogging even less time than you have, but see my own evolution, albeit with totally different scale and issues from yours. Fortunately, I am neither angry nor frustrated. I am overwhelmed, although that has to do more with the rest of my life than with my blog, which needs to stay small and intimate for the time being. Thanks to you, I know how to grow it when the time is right for me. I’m not sure when that will be, other than not anytime soon, due to my own choices of priorities. And, if that time never comes, I have already accomplished my most important blogging goal, which was to actually be able to write about varied topics on a consistent basis. That I have been able to reach some other people with my words is a bonus. I truly appreciate the small group of regular readers that I have.”
Joanne at Top of JC’s Mind