As anyone who has dealt with it will tell you, mourning is a process.
Likely, a lifelong process that has different impacts over time.
As this TED talk explains, grief is not something you move on from, but something that you move forward with.
It’s been a bit over three months since my mom’s death. Much of that time has been busy, with a lot of things that needed my attention, although I have often felt that my brain was full of holes and I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I kept hoping that I could clear out some mental space and feel that I could organize my thoughts better – and maybe even feel a bit creative, which is important as I have some poetry commitments coming up.
Instead, I’m just feeling overwhelmed and sad. I don’t feel like thinking or deciding things. I can make myself do important things, but it is difficult to feel I am doing them well.
I’ve been talking with some wise friends who have helped me to realize that where I am now is not unusual.
That mourning is personal and unpredictable and meanders through the terrain of life as it will with no apparent timeframe.
I think I have cried more in the past week than any week since Mom died. I know that is okay, even though it seems sort of backwards.
I am blessed with family and friends to help me while I am in this frame of mind and am trying to muster the energy to ask for help when I need it, although even that can be difficult when organized thought feels like so much work.
But I’m okay. Really. Please don’t worry about me.
It’s just grief.
Where I’ve been was a topic I addressed in a recent post. The short answer is Slovenia. I have done a number of posts about the trip with more to come.
The long answer, aside from my physical location at home, is in the ozone. Well, not literally. Or in a fog. Not literally that, either.
I’ve been juggling a lot of things for a long time, primarily caretaking for various people. After my mom, known as Nana here at TJCM, passed away in May and after the immediate busy-ness of the funeral and the bunch of paperwork and phone calling that needed to happen, I had hoped that I could be more organized and not feeling like my mind is scattered most of the time, but no. At least, not so far.
A friend reassured me that it is still early days, that my sense of clarity will return, but that it takes a long time.
Admittedly, it doesn’t make sense to reorganize my life now anyways. We are in the final weeks of having daughter E and granddaughter ABC in residence. We expect her visa to come through sometime soon and then she will need to move to London within 30 days. I am expecting that, when they leave after 2+ years of living here, there will be another period that is like mourning, too.
So, I guess it may be a long time before I feel like I can think, plan, write, organize, as I used to.
Before I feel like I know where I am going.
Linda’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week is “where.” Join us! Find out how here: https://lindaghill.com/2019/08/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-august-10-19/
SoCS badge by Pamela, at https://achronicalofhope.com/
I have mentioned before that I have a Fitbit to track my steps. My daily goal is only 5,000 steps. I usually make it, and often exceed it, but I have a cold and the last few days have been a lost cause. On Saturday, I didn’t even make 1,000 steps.
The more unfortunate thing is that my brain is not operating at full capacity, either. Today, we have a publication party at Sappho’s Circle. This afternoon, we are going to eat munchies and work on online submissions of our poems. I need attention to detail and a certain level of discernment to do this properly, but I’m not sure I have it. It will be a help to have Heather and the rest of the circle there to help me match poems to journals.
Wish me luck…
“We don’t think ourselves into a new way of living; we live ourselves into a new way of thinking.” – Richard Rohr
This is part of Linda’s One-Liner Wednesdays. Join us! http://lindaghill.com/2015/03/11/one-liner-wednesday-just-call-him-willy/