Mourning

As anyone who has dealt with it will tell you, mourning is a process.

Likely, a lifelong process that has different impacts over time.

As this TED talk explains, grief is not something you move on from, but something that you move forward with.

It’s been a bit over three months since my mom’s death. Much of that time has been busy, with a lot of things that needed my attention, although I have often felt that my brain was full of holes and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I kept hoping that I could clear out some mental space and feel that I could organize my thoughts better – and maybe even feel a bit creative, which is important as I have some poetry commitments coming up.

Instead, I’m just feeling overwhelmed and sad. I don’t feel like thinking or deciding things. I can make myself do important things, but it is difficult to feel I am doing them well.

I’ve been talking with some wise friends who have helped me to realize that where I am now is not unusual.

Or permanent.

That mourning is personal and unpredictable and meanders through the terrain of life as it will with no apparent timeframe.

I think I have cried more in the past week than any week since Mom died. I know that is okay, even though it seems sort of backwards.

I am blessed with family and friends to help me while I am in this frame of mind and am trying to muster the energy to ask for help when I need it, although even that can be difficult when organized thought feels like so much work.

But I’m okay. Really. Please don’t worry about me.

It’s just grief.

Revenge of the Fitbit – part two

Recently, I wrote about having to stop wearing my Fitbit because I broke out in a rash from the band.

I have been wearing my new (hot pink) stretchy wristband for a few days now and just discovered that I can still feel the Fitbit vibrate when I meet my step goal.

…which also means that this is the first time I have met my step goal this week.

So, yay, me! Making progress!

My arm is still healing from the rash. I am such a delicate flower!

Revenge of the Wii Fit

Once upon a time, not all that long ago, I was being pretty diligent about healthy diet and exercise. Before E and L’s wedding in Nov. ’12, I even lost a few pounds.

Then, a multigenerational melange of personal and family health issues appeared, entailing a combination of worry, lost sleep, shuttling back and forth to appointments, rushed meals, and general lack of routine. My diet and exercise habits suffered – a lot. I gained about ten pounds.

Over the last several months, I’ve been making an effort to move more, keeping track of steps using the Fitbit I inherited from E. I’ve been making a concerted effort to eat more healthfully without putting my body into starvation mode. I started doing a plank exercise most days.

And, when B was away on business last week, I dusted off the Wii Fit balance board and fired it up.

Although it wasn’t quite that simple…

First, I put fresh batteries in the Wii remote. Then, I had to replace the batteries in the balance board. I opened the compartment to find that not only had the batteries leaked but they had also deposited crusty white stuff onto the contacts. I had to contact tech support, aka B, for recommendations on a safe way to clean them.

Finally, I got everything working and slipped the disc into the console. Our entire family of Miis (our on-screen avatars) was asleep. I woke mine up and was greeted by the news that it had been 1249 days since I had last visited.

Ouch.

I gamely started out with a fitness test, which involves weight and body mass index. I had gained just enough weight to cross into the overweight category and my Mii suddenly got chubby, which was sad and a bit discouraging, but I didn’t let it stop me.

I chose a range of exercises from the different categories, with a mix of core and upper body strength, flexibility, and aerobics, and found that my conditioning was actually still fairly good. Errands, lugging groceries and parcels, and work around the house have kept me stronger than I had thought.

I have been going back to the Wii for exercise most days since I fired it up and am happy to report that I have already gotten my BMI back into the normal range. Granted, part of that is tied to one of my medical conditions that can cause bloating. I am in a better phase with that right now, but I am hoping to lose a few pounds so that, even when it is acting up, I keep my BMI in the normal range.

Wish me luck!